I debated whether or not to share this. We are private people and I wonder if this is too personal to share with the world, but we believe in the power of prayer and hope it does some good to someone else suffering. So here it goes…
A month ago we went into an ultrasound four months pregnant and found out the baby had died. We were shocked. All five of our previous pregnancies had been healthy and uneventful except for some unwelcomed morning sickness.
After the ultrasound we had so many questions. Was a spirit planning to come to our family or had it been too early on in the pregnancy? And if so, what was the gender? Why were they taken? I understood the plan, but what was their purpose in going back instead of staying here? I prayed many times for days, thinking if I just had these answers, it would bring me peace and I’d be ok. Eventually, I got an answer to one of those questions, but the others lingered and I wasn’t getting any more. I started feeling angry. I thought, Lord, just throw me a bone. Anything to feel at peace. Please.
We told our families and a few close friends. When I called my oldest sister to tell her I had had a missed miscarriage, she was heartbroken for us and told me she was going through the exact same thing. I knew she had had a miscarriage before and asked what number this was. It was her fourth. My heart broke for her. As she spoke, it gave me great comfort knowing I wouldn’t be alone in this process. Later, she called me and we talked until 11:30pm as she told me everything as it was happening. In her moment of pain and grief she was helping me prepare for mine. I knew the Lord had orchestrated all this and I was eternally grateful, and the fear slowly dissipated. Tender Mercy #1.
A week later I had the miscarriage. It was traumatic and exhausting. We also had more questions: How do we properly put it to rest? And at what point is it big enough to bury it versus flushing it down the toilet? Part of me wanted to flush it so we didn’t have to drag out the pain any longer, but not knowing if I’d regret it made me cautiously wait and think about it. I called my sister again and she talked through it with me. Matt and I finally felt either choice would be fine, and we decided to bury it under our pink roses in the front yard. A weight lifted off me as it came to a close and we started looking to the future.
Later that day I was laying in bed looking in my purse for some business cards of counselors who specialized in grief counseling for women of miscarriage and stillbirth loss that our midwife had given us at our appointment. As I pulled out the cards, I saw a fortune cookie I had gotten awhile back from a restaurant, but for some reason had never pulled out. I don’t place much value on fortune cookie messages, and I lightheartedly asked my daughter Mazey who was sitting next to me if I should see what my fortune was.
I knew better to think this was a coincidence. I felt a warmth come over me. Tender Mercy #2.
The next morning my friend called me from California who I hadn’t spoken to in years. As soon as I saw her name on my phone I knew this was God’s doing. I held back tears of appreciation for his love and awareness for me. We talked about her kids’ marriages, our jobs, retirement, and eventually the conversation came back to kids. I let her know about the miscarriage and she was heartbroken for us. She spoke words of comfort and encouragement and reminded me we would see them on the other side one day. I held onto those words. I told her I didn’t think it was coincidence she had called and she admitted she didn’t know why she kept feeling the urge to call. Tender Mercy #3.
The next day we were taken completely off guard when… I miscarried. Again. But this time it was the real thing. With this being our first miscarriage we didn’t know what to expect. Our midwife had prepared us a little, but you don’t really know until you go through it. I had unfortunately mistaken the previous one for a legitimate miscarriage, but there was no room for doubt this time. It was 100 percent the baby . We grieved all over again as we tried to decide what to do. We determined it must have been between 6 and 7 weeks old and about half an inch long when it died, but I had had what is called a missed miscarriage, where my body didn’t get the memo about needing to miscarry, until now. Any longer and I would have needed to take medicine to get things going or get a D & C.
After it was over I had nothing left. I was too numb to grieve and too mad at God to pray that night.
The next day I was in Walmart shopping for food. I ran into a lady in one of the isles, both of us trying to maneuver around each other. We kept going back and forth with our carts until she finally said with a smile, “I’m sorry, I’ve just had a baby and I can’t think clearly.” I congratulated her and walked away, asking God if he was purposely trying to torture me. Later, as I was finishing my shopping, I ran into her once again. I thought it odd. We smiled and for whatever reason I felt the urge to tell her about the baby. I hesitated, then blurted out that I had miscarried the day before. She was so sorry and said she wanted to give me a hug, but with COVID she wasn’t sure. I told her she could, so we violated COVID guidelines and hugged. She told me she had had a miscarriage a few years earlier – a girl- and that they had named her Grace. We cried and hugged some more as she shared her story and I shared mine. She helped me know what to do with the baby, support groups on Facebook I could join, who to reach out to, how to talk about it with our children, etc. All the questions I’d been wondering about… Then she asked if she could pray with me. I was surprised but glad since I wasn’t praying at the time and knew I needed the strength prayer brings. With people walking all around us, she reached for my hands, and standing in the produce section of the store, we came together. She asked God to show me how much he loved me and to wrap me in his arms and to be able to feel his love. I tried to quiet my uncontrollable sobbing. She asked Him to comfort and bless me and my husband and kids to heal, among other things, with words more eloquently than I can express here. I felt God’s love, and my heart softened. I promised to pray again and ask God to forgive me for turning my back on him in my moment of pain. We exchanged numbers and she texted me a song by Lauren Daigle called, “Rescue” that I have been playing over and over again. Tender Mercy #4.
It’s been three days since the miscarriage. We don’t know what’s next and taking everything day by day. I still burst into tears at random moments, but through the fog we know there is a plan. God’s perfect plan.
Thank you to everyone who has showered us with love, food, flowers, their time, and most importantly, their prayers.
Also, I’ve learned some things:
- God puts people in our path, orchestrated perfectly at the right time and in the right places, to help us through hard times.
- When we turn our backs on God, he’s still there, loving us unconditionally until we are ready to return to him.
- God speaks to us in many different ways, including fortune cookies.
- Angels can be found anywhere, even at Walmart.
For those experiencing miscarriage or something similar, you can go to now I lay me down to sleep, a page on Facebook for resources and support. If you’re in the Fort Worth Area, you can contact the Marie Claire Project for burial advice and needs. Also, check out “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle. It helps carry me through.